Bear’s Personal Human Training
Raising standards in human handling since 2011.
A message to dogs: if your human keeps calling your behaviour “a problem”, Bear would like to reassure you that you are functioning exactly as designed.
People say, “If you don’t correct a dog… how do you fix a problem?”
And that question assumes the dog is the problem.
Bear’s position is simple: dogs aren’t broken. Humans are often confusing.
Executive Summary
Bear’s Personal Human Training is a professional development service for humans who would like to be easier to live with.
Our programmes are designed for dogs who would like:
- fewer repeated cues
- fewer emotional speeches mid-walk
- fewer “it came out of nowhere” incidents
- a dramatic reduction in unattended cake
- and a human who can recognise what is happening before it happens
Professional note: Bear encourages humans to learn canine body language, ideally before they announce “he’s fine” while you are clearly not fine. Dogs Trust have a solid starting guide here: read it, then act like you knew it already.
Services
1) Board and Train (Humans Only)
Recommended for: dogs whose humans want fast results without realising they are the variable.
Programme overview: we remove the human from the household, provide intensive guidance, return them fully refreshed, and then observe how long it takes for old habits to reappear in the kitchen.
What your human will learn:
- Say it once. Mean it. Stop talking.
- Timing matters more than volume.
- Leaving food unattended is not “a test”.
- Dogs do what works. Repeatedly.
- “He knows what he did” is not a training plan.
Packages:
- Standard Human – basic clarity, fewer repeated cues
- Premium Human – improved timing and emotional regulation
- Enterprise Household – consistency across all environments, including the kitchen
Supervision policy: dogs remain at home to ensure standards are maintained.
2) Personal Consultations
Recommended for: dogs who have already tried eye contact, sighing, and walking away.
Focus areas:
- why your behaviour makes sense
- what you are trying to achieve (attention, access, distance, relief, fun, security)
- how your human is accidentally training the behaviour to continue
- which alternatives would work just as well for you, if taught properly
Packages:
- Single Human Session – immediate clarification
- Ongoing Human Development – repeated reminders
- Multi-Human Household – for situations where inconsistency is shared
3) Online Courses
Recommended for: dogs whose humans claim they “just need a refresher”.
Current catalogue:
- Stop Repeating Yourself – a human communication upgrade
- Counter Surfing – why leaving cake out is a strategy
- Jumping Up – a reliable greeting system, unfortunately
- Barking at the Postman – home security fundamentals
- Pulling to the Field – directional decision-making for humans
Packages:
- Self-Study Human – progress at their own pace
- Accountability Human – gentle structure, fewer excuses
- Advanced Human – better follow-through, less improvisation
Certificate status: not recognised by the postman. Widely respected by dogs.
Bear Reviews Common Human Phrases
Corporate glossary: translations provided for dogs who would like to understand why their human keeps saying strange things.
- “He knows what he did.” Translation: “I feel embarrassed and I need a reason this happened.”
- “It came out of nowhere.” Translation: “I missed the early signs.”
- “He’s being stubborn.” Translation: “The environment is more rewarding than me right now.”
- “He’s doing it for attention.” Translation: “The behaviour works.”
- “He’s trying to dominate.” Translation: “I don’t know what’s driving this behaviour, so I picked a dramatic explanation.”
How It Works
- dog files complaint
- Bear reviews the case
- human receives training plan
- dog observes improvement
- dog stops filing complaints
Quality assurance: if the human relapses near biscuits, further training is recommended.
Dog Testimonials
- “My human now says it once.” – Labrador, Essex
- “Less talking. More clarity.” – Spaniel, Kent
- “Cake incidents reduced by 73%.” – Mixed breed, London
FAQ
Is this a real service?
It’s a parody with a serious point. Dogs aren’t being “bad” in a moral sense. Behaviour is usually a logical response to the environment, what has worked before, and what the dog needs in that moment.
Do dogs know what they did wrong?
Most dogs know what worked. If a behaviour repeats, it’s often because it produces an outcome the dog values, such as attention, access, distance, relief, or fun. Dogs are not replaying a moral crime, they are repeating a successful strategy.
If we don’t “correct” behaviour, what do we do?
Start with why the behaviour makes sense, then adjust the setup and teach an alternative that works just as well for the dog. When the dog has a better strategy, the old one often fades without needing correction.
Is board and train genuinely available for humans?
Yes, in the same way this page is real. Dogs supervise. Humans learn. Results vary around biscuits.
Why does jumping up keep happening?
Because it works. It reliably produces attention and contact. The solution is to teach a greeting strategy that works even better for the dog and feels better for the human.
Why does my dog steal food from the counter?
Because unattended food is accessible food, and counter surfing is self-rewarding. Management plus teaching a great alternative is usually far more effective than acting shocked after the fact.
Why does barking at the postman continue?
Because the postman leaves every time. From your dog’s perspective, the security protocol is flawless. The fix is changing the pattern and teaching calmer routines, not pretending the postman isn’t approaching the den.
Where should my human start?
If the household is repeatedly confused, start with Personal Consultations. If your human enjoys checklists and structure, start with Online Courses. If your human insists this is “defiance”, begin with Board and Train (Humans Only).
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